Why Did You Make Me This Way?

Dear Jesus 

 Why did you make me this way? 

I always knew I was different. 

I always knew I had ADHD. 

But  I never got diagnosed.

Until last month, when a therapist friend did an evaluation on me and connected me with a nurse psych.

 For the first time, I felt seen and heard. 

 But not only that, a form of grief surfaced.

Is this why I have felt stuck all these years?

 What happens if I choose not to take the medication? Will I get worse?

 Why am I scared of starting medication? 

Why do I feel as if I have failed you? If I do as you wish, will medication be administered against your will?

Why do I feel like a failure? 

Why do I feel that if I do pursue it, my life would get worse? Due to GI side effects? Why am I so sensitive to uncomfortable sensations in my body?

God, is this why you have always watched over me? Opened doors for me and given me the life I have now, because you knew I needed more help?  If so, this means I am not lucky; I am just being watched over extra carefully due to my brain function.

  God, should I take the medication seriously for my son? So he has a better version of his mom? God help me in this new journey, being medicated for ADHD at the age of 29.  I am not broken; I was just never taken seriously. I was never lazy or dumb; my impulsivity stemmed from my brain, the business start-up, the constantly changing jobs, and my school paths. 

Highs and lows, where my brain, not me, I am not a failure. I am not. I am smart. I am a builder. I have a superpower brain. That just needs some guidance, and that's okay.  It's okay, Cecilia. God loves you just the way you are. 

There nothing in you that he didnt do intentionally.  You are perfectly made in his image. Your 30s will be better. Have faith in the process. God loves you 

Scripture:

Psalm 139:14